Grumpy….

Today I am grumpy….. and kinda glad it’s Friday!!

This week has been a bit crazy, starting with my scan and consultant on Monday, then opticians for biggest boy on Tuesday, an impromptu trip to a&e with smallest on Wednesday and dentist on Thursday…. which was rather traumatic as me and smallest boy got locked in…..

im absolutely exhausted and feeling pretty rubbish today…

today also marks 1 whole year since I sat with my beautiful Nan and said goodbye to her as she finally gave up her fight on this earth….

this afternoon consisted of a trip to the cemetary with my boys and I’m now physically and emotionally exhausted after a very long busy week…. it’s only teatime but I’m ready for bed…. hoping hubby hurries up home from work  and takes over with our crazy brood!

Sleep has been full of crazy vivid dreams this week too…. waking me up several times a night which I guess hasn’t helped….. especially when they’ve felt so real…. im just a moaning cow!!

Ive had SO many comments this week about baby…. my bump is VERY obvious now…. and I have to say that most of the comments have just really pissed me off!!!

From “I bet you’re praying this ones a girl” (which I’ve had more tea recently than I can count) and ” this one will definitely be a girl, you must want a daughter” to “ooh starting all over again when the boys are big and independent” there’s also been “oh no you can’t have 3, 3 is a bad number” and  my favourite this week “god was it planned?!” In a shocked horrified voice…..maybe I’m just tired and hormonal but seriously, what has it got to do with anyone else?!

Just in case anyone was wondering   no we’re not praying for a girl…. we’re praying for a healthy baby….

i already have a daughter, and so does my hubby….. none of us could care in the slightest the sex of our baby, and he/she being healthy really is all that we are hoping for.

secondly…. yes we are starting all over again, smallest boy is 7…. no it’s not how we planned it…. we planned it 4 whole years ago…. but would we change it…. not at all, now is obviously our time and we couldn’t be happier that the others  are more grown up and they are SO excited too…. I happen to think it’s gonna be a brilliant age gap!

Thirdly, this isn’t child number 3 in any sense….. this is my 4th baby…. it also won’t be the 3rd living child in our family…. my 2 boys and my stepdaughter already make 3….

and finally, yes it was planned, very much so…. anyone whose followed my blog will know the long journey we’ve been on to get this far….

so yes, I’m being hormonal and temperamental….and I don’t care!!

I guess venting here is better than keeping it all inside!!

I wouldn’t dream of saying any of those things to another woman so I struggle to comprehend why anyone else would say them to me…. but I’ll just continue to smile, nod and ignore people’s comments…. and concentrate on the amazing life growing inside me, and the amazing little family we already have….

interfering people may feel free to comment on my beautiful family, our choices and our lives but at the end of the day we’re entitled to ignore them…. and so we will!

i feel sorry for my poor hubby this week actually….. he’s had to endure all of my moaning about stupid interfering people….. I’ll make it up to him one day…. maybe 😜

we have a busy weekend planned too with our 3 little horrors so no rest for the wicked!!

If you’ve got this far well done…. and i promise Ill be back soon with something less whingy!

 

The good news just keeps on coming this week 😬

Yesterday we went for my 20 week anomaly scan. I was very stressed and incredibly worried, and it was a VERY long half an hour lying there being scanned waiting to hear that everything was ok…. especially as I spent at least half of that time with the bed tipped upside down as baby was in an awkward position…. no good for my already dizzy self 😂

HOWEVER…..baby looked perfect….. no sign of smallest mans kidney problem (which we’d been given a 25% chance of recurring) and more importantly no sign of hydrops…. so far so good!!

And for all those people asking…. yes we know what we’re having….

its a….. BABY!!

We had the same lovely sonographer as our 13 week scan and he couldn’t have been nicer, even after he’d finished he went back and rechecked babies fluid to reassure us there were definitely no signs of hydrops…. really hoping we get him again next time!!

another consultant appointment followed – this time a different dr who just agreed with the plan that was made last week. In fact it took me far longer to book my next 7 scan appointments and consultant appointments than the actual appointment lasted!!

afterwards we braved some window shopping and picked out some baby things that we like…. we are compiling a list to be bought after baby is safely delivered!

i spent most of the day feeling guilty for the lack of excitement…. longing for the days before pregnancy loss when I would’ve been bursting with excitement and  shopping for so many gorgeous baby items….  I was tired and grumpy for most of the day, although hubby did eventually convince me to take the boys out and we enjoyed a lovely evening at the park with them having lots of fun together.

Desperately trying to hold onto the hope that yesterday’s scan brought us to get us through until the next one now, these next few weeks are going to be the most crucial…. hydrops developed between 20-30 weeks in both my first 2 pregnancies so we’re in the danger zone now…. hoping to try and stay busy (I’m sure having the summer hols and my boys home will do that easily!!), stay positive and make it out with our happy ending…. please keep your fingers crossed with us 😘

we have a plan!

So I’m just back from my first consultant appointment at my local hospital.

ive been worrying about it for weeks, in fact at 2am this morning I was up writing a list of all the things I needed to say, all the things I need to make sure are put in place, and I’d psyched myself up for stamping my feet until they agreed to follow the same level of care as if had in my last pregnancy….. I was even ready to transfer my care over to the hospital my other children were born at if they didn’t agree to monitor baby closely enough….

the fact I’ve waited for so long to actually get a consultant appointment didn’t help…. my midwife was adamant I should’ve been seen weeks ago, but I’m so glad I waited instead of asking to be transferred already….

it appears all of my worrying was for nothing, in fact today my faith in my local hospital has been restored completely (after such awful experiences in their early pregnancy unit last year, coupled with a not very nice experience when finding out my daughters problems there all those years ago I had very little faith)

i saw THE most lovely doctor -sadly he’s not my consultant – he was covering as she’s on annual leave – but….. he had read my notes BEFORE I went in….. he asked questions about my daughter, about the care I’d received, about the outcomes of all of my pregnancies, and all of the interventions that I’ve had previously. He seemed to genuinely care…..

I didn’t have to ask for anything at all….he asked how I’d been looked after in previous pregnancies, how often I’d been monitored and scanned etc and he arranged for MORE monitoring in this pregnancy, he told me he wanted me to have no reason at all to be any more anxious than I have cause to be….

so I now have a plan for scans and consultant appointments every 2 weeks from 24 weeks….. and hes told me I can go in ANYTIME I have any concerns at all…. and then he even went to see another consultant to check if there was anything else they could do for me

and there was me all geared up for an argument!!

i left feeling so much more positive than I have done in a long time…. and happy I stuck with what I wanted – to be as close to home as possible…. fingers crossed that all scans go well and I get to stay under their care and deliver a healthy precious rainbow baby there too

I’m back there again for a scan and to see the consultant again on Monday….. let’s just hope that goes as well as today 😊

 

Another step forward

Finally got my blood results back and thankfully all is good, so that’s one less worry on the list!

We have made it to my 20th week of pregnancy now, I can feel baby moving and kicking which definitely helps lessen my worrying. Hubby felt it for the first time a few days ago, and actually had tears in his eyes, then smallest boy felt it yesterday too and was SO excited I thought he might burst, he had to ring daddy to tell him too it was incredibly cute…. definitely made me realise just how lucky I am.

Countdown to our next scan os underway now, 6 days and counting and nerves are already beginning to set in…. in all honesty I’m missing that first pregnancy naivety where by now i would have been so excited I could barely contain myself…. just gotta hope and pray baby is doing good in there and hydrops hasn’t reared its ugly head….

keep your fingers crossed for us!

This weeks drama…

The past few weeks have been relatively stress free so I guess I was due a bit of drama….

this afternoon has been spent sat around the Drs waiting room waiting for blood tests to check if I’m immune to parvovirus (slapped cheek) as it appears I’ve been exposed to it at work….

im hoping I’m immune as I’m pretty sure both my boys had it when they were younger, but it can be really dangerous in pregnancy so Drs wanted me straight in today.

so a week of hoping, praying, crossed fingers and waiting for results awaits…. wish me luck

on the plus side we’ve made it to 18 weeks, and I have 5 weeks off work to look forward to after Friday…. summertime with my boys, I can’t wait 😊

 

End of an era….

Tomorrow my biggest boy leaves primary school….

today I have cried publicly through his entire leavers service…..cried reading his guitar and keyboard lesson reports….. and cried because I’m running out of satsumas…..

I DO NOT cry in public… EVER… in fact even my closest friends were surprised by my tears today… therefore I’m blaming hormones for all of the above!!

Seriously though I have absolutely no idea where 7 years of primary school have gone….. I’d like to say it’s all been great but to be fair there have been some really crap times too.. he has done amazingly though, his school report this week made me incredibly proud, and he is SO grown up, and so ready for high school, and I know he will be just fine.

we just need to survive tomorrow and his final goodbyes (especially to his  amazing TA who he adores and has already shed tears over leaving) So, sharpies and shirt at the ready, tissues packed…. and his leavers hoody firmly attached to him…. last day of primary school here we come…. and I’ll try my best not to cry too much!

My biggest boy all grown up….. a new journey beginning for him and for me as he spreads his wings a bit more…. I think I’m going to find this WAY harder than he is!!!

 

Staying positive

Yesterday we got to see our baby again, for hubbys birthday present we went for a reassurance scan and got to see our baby in 4d.

I was absolutely terrified, and ready to leave before we’d even gone in…. BUT the lady was lovely, within 30 seconds she’d shown us our happy healthy kicking baby…. we watched it sucking its thumb and waving it’s hand, little monkey wouldn’t keep still…. we came away with lots of pictures and a feeling that it’s all much more real…. a little reassurance can go a very long way.

We went out for some food afterwards and even braved a trip to mothercare and babies r us….. not that we bought anything but we picked up catalogues and let ourselves dream and make plans for a little while …. positive thinking for a change!!

16 weeks now and it feels like we might actually really get to meet this baby…. ive spent this evening packing away all my clothes that no longer fit into bags under the bed and replacing them with maternity clothes given to me by a lovely friend yesterday….. I am SO comfortable today it’s amazing!!

I’m finally feeling human again too, the sickness has completely gone, and dizziness much better, headaches are much less often and dare I say I actually feel pretty good!! (Tiredness is still a killer but I can live with that!) second trimester is obviously agreeing with me MUCH better than the first!

In other news….. we got a little teddy bear with a recording of baby’s heartbeat inside from our scan yesterday…. I’ve just let littlest boy name the teddy Tim…. in return he’s going to let me and daddy name the baby something other than Tim…. result!!

Trying to stay positive now…. each day at a time ❤️