Slightly late scan update…

first of all, sorry I didn’t update yesterday, I didn’t realise anyone would be waiting for my blog post but as 3 people have messaged/told me they were waiting for news I thought I’d better do a quick update…. I didn’t have the headspace to sit and write yesterday, but am feeling a bit better after a pretty decent nights sleep.

so yesterday’s scan showed no hydrops…. we finally passed that last big milestone that had been playing on my mind…. 30 weeks and 3 days was the exact day in which my beautiful girl was diagnosed with hydrops – even though in hindsight she’d probably had it for quite some time by then – so seeing our little rainbow fluid free in scan yesterday was amazing, and it felt (briefly) like we were doing good, that the “highest risk period” was over…..

at that point I even could’ve excused the rude sonographer, who hadn’t bothered to look at my notes before we had gone in, so she had to ask me why I was there and why I was having extra scans…. this SERIOUSLY annoys me  more than it should…. but that’s a whole different rant that I don’t quite have the energy for today!

So, after the scan we went back to the waiting room while she did the scan report, after what seems like forever she called us back to explain that baby’s growth had once again dropped and it was now measuring below the 10th centile, so off to the consultant I went….

I saw a lovely midwife then waited for a dr, after seeing the scan report there was a bit of debate between the dr and consultant as to whether to give me steroid injections yesterday in order to prepare for early delivery, but eventually they decided to give baby 2 weeks to “catch up” because the Doppler on the placenta was fine and baby is active…. so the plan is that I’ve got to monitor movements closely for the next 2 weeks and if baby hasn’t moved back to at least the 10th centile by the next scan then they want to give me steroids that day and discuss delivering that week…. 😬

this journey to our happy ever after is worse than any rollercoaster, the highs and lows are absolutely insane. Really need to hope that baby has a growth spurt in the next couple of weeks now and can stay put a few weeks longer….

we always knew this pregnancy was going to be tough, we just hadn’t anticipated it being in a completely different way to the others…. still, I’m lucky, I have my amazing hubby, family and some very supportive friends around me and the Drs are doing all they can to keep this baby safe…..

motherhood was never meant to be easy or simple anyway right?!

Dreams

Only 3 days until our next scan, and I’d been doing particularly well this week so far….

last night me and hubby sorted through the baby stuff we’ve bought to try and find it all a home…. so I then spent all night in and out of sleep having awful dreams…. some about being sent to a quiet room after our scan to receive bad news, the rest about having to return all the stuff we’ve cautiously bought because we wouldn’t get to bring this baby home after all….

so today I’m very tired, and very grumpy…. we’ve made it to 30 weeks though, I should be celebrating…. we’ve made quite a few baby purchases this past week too…. I should be proud of myself for being brave and trying to be a “normal excited pregnant person” instead I’m exhausted and feeling guilty for tempting fate…

30 weeks is the point they found hydrops in my first pregnancy so I see this scan as the last big milestone to get through, I’m also anxious that baby has grown enough after they were so concerned last time, could really do with Monday hurrying the heck along….

still, I have to keep focusing on the positives…. baby is doing acrobatics as I type, and there’s a maximum of 9 weeks left now until we get to meet them….. eeek!!

 

 

Babyloss awareness week

Babyloss awareness week starts tomorrow, ending next Sunday with a global wave of light.

normally at this time of year I’d be spending a lot of time trying to spread the word and doing my bit to raise awareness, this year I feel a bit of a failure to be honest….

today me, hubby, smallest boy and my mum went to our local annual baby memorial service. Being 29 weeks pregnant and terrified of what’s to come obviously didn’t come in very handy there!!

I struggled with myself deciding whether to go to the service today…. I was conscious that my huge bump may be difficult for some people early on in their babyloss journeys to see…. but hubby convinced me that I’d regret it if I didn’t….

Smallest boy made me very proud though, when we arrived he wrote in his neatest handwriting 3 name cards to be read out in the service, one for his big sister, and 1 each for “our two babies that died in your tummy”, he made a point of collecting 3 flowers when they were passed around so that they all had one each, he collected 3 candles to light on Sunday to remember them all, and he took his sharpie collection in his pocket so that he could write them all their own balloons and draw them all their own picture for the balloon release at the end….

a lot of tears were shed this afternoon, probably more than I have in recent years…. I’m blaming hormones for many of them, but one thing remains…. being in that enormous church, FULL of other people who have experienced babyloss, listening to the hundreds of baby names being read out, watching countless other families release their balloons for their precious babies makes me realise just how many people are affected by babyloss, just in my local area.

Our little rainbow kicked the whole way through the service, giving me a shred of hope through the darkness, and being a part of the service today just proved how much it matters to me and makes me more and more determined to carry on going, to keep telling my story and sharing my journey in the hope that it may bring a small amount of comfort or hope to somebody else…

babyloss really is shit….

infertility is shit….

miscarraige is shit….

pregnancy after loss is terrifying…..

but all of these things happen so much more often than you would think and we need to talk about them more, we need people to know they are not alone, we need to break the taboo…. I’m just one little person trying to do my little bit

 

 

Mixed feelings…..

It’s been a tough week…. however it was scan day again today….. and in a way I want to jump up and down for joy as there is still no sign of hydrops….which at this stage is absolutely amazing news!!!

The downside is we now have something new to worry about instead though…. we don’t like to do things the easy way….

so here’s what happened…we arrived at the ultrasound department and after a short wait were called in, i was being scanned by a consultant this time, and she was lovely. She was quick to reassure us that there was no sign of hydrops, and she took all the measurements etc, baby wasn’t cooperating very well so we couldn’t get a picture, but we came out of the room feeling ecstatic that everything was going good. My mum had come with us to the scan, and she left at this point to get to work whilst me and hubby went back to the waiting room whilst the consultant wrote the scan report….

after about 5 minutes she came back and called me – we presumed to give me back my notes – to tell me I needed to be rescanned as the measurements were showing something wrong….. so off we went into another scan room while she measured again. This time was much quicker, and the wait afterwards also much quicker, when she came back she explained that baby had dropped down on its growth chart, that 2 week ago it had been measuring in the 15th centile but now it was only on the 10th centile, and the very bottom of the chart….. she explained how important it was that I keep a close  eye on movements etc and sent me round to see my consultant.

my consultant basically said the same thing, that baby’s growth needs monitoring closely and I will need growth scans every 2 weeks …. though we already have scans booked to check for hydrops every 2 weeks anyway….

so basically, we went in worrying that baby and fluid would be measuring too big….. and came out worrying that it’s measuring small!!

So we’re still celebrating that there’s no hydrops – that is SUCH a relief, we now just have to hope the little monkey continues to grow on its little line….. pregnancy isn’t meant to be easy right?!

And breathe!!

Today we are celebrating the small victories…..

we have passed the 26 week scan with no sign of hydrops…. past the point biggest boy was diagnosed (though not quite at the point my darling girl was just yet) and one step closer to bringing home our healthy rainbow baby

scan was perfect, sonographer was lovely, and baby cooperated with out me having to be tipped upside down! Baby has turned over and is now breech and kicking away….

met my new consultant who basically just agreed with the plan we already have in place, booked some more scans and said “see you in 2 weeks”

me and hubby celebrated by going shopping this afternoon and bought a few bits for baby, as well as some really glamourous things like breast pads for my hospital bag 😂 He’s even decided he’s cooking tonight, which is a VERY rare occurrence…..

now we just need to hold onto this positivity for the next 2 weeks until our next scan and keep on hoping this really is our happy ever after

Sleep is for the weak right?!

Only 24 hours until my 26 week scan…. the one I’ve been dreading the most…. the one where hydrops was found with my biggest boy…. I’ve been pretty positive up until now but anxiety has definitely overtaken now….

sleep wasn’t my friend last night, and I’ve been up since daft o clock this morning, it’s just me and littlest man today so I need to keep busy and switch my head off for a while

a random person commented how big I am for 26 weeks a couple of days ago… and how I must be going to have a huge baby this time….. I managed to smile and nod, then rant about it later…. luckily I’ve reached a point in my journey where other peoples comments can mainly just go straight over my head….. I can file them away as well meaning as I know for those who don’t know my journey or haven’t experienced loss would have no idea the effect their comments could have….

thats one thing that loss has taught me…. to never comment on a woman’s body, pregnancy or fertility unless invited to!!

for those who don’t know, measuring too big was the first sign of hydrops with my precious girl, and biggest boy, so any comments about my size – however innocent or well meaning – generally make me want to run away and hide!!

Anyway…. in other news, yesterday a parcel arrived, something we’d dared to order for baby….. and I now really wish I hadn’t…. or at least i wish it hadn’t arrived until tomorrow, I feel like we’re tempting fate too much….

still, I can’t really win, a few weeks ago I felt guilty for not being excited enough and not having bought anything for baby, so we made the huge decision to start buying a few bits – though were still not letting anybody else – and now I feel guilty because we got over excited and ordered some!!! there really is no right or wrong solution to this I guess, whatever we do I’m going to feel bad… pregnancy after loss does strange things to your thinking!!

All we can really do now is hope and pray for positive news at our scan tomorrow, and try and keep busy for the next 24 hours….. help!!

 

Need some positivity this week….

This past week or so have been busy to say the least, my boys have gone back to school (high school and juniors 😬) which has been all change, and very hectic as new routines are being established! I’ve also gone back to work, with different hours meaning im home a bit less during the day, so have less time to get the day to day stuff done – that same stuff that’s taking twice as long these days! I can’t even find 5 minutes to sit down most days until after teatime…. I’m exhausted… guess keeping busy is good though….

however I only have 6 more weeks in work, and that thought is scary in itself!!

I’ll apologise in advance that I’m back to moaning on here….

There’s only 5 days until my next scan and my positivity is very quickly disappearing…. I’m at that point in pregnancy where biggest boy was diagnosed with hydrops now, and to say I’m terrified is an understatement….

i thought I was doing well, in fact I know I was, this past week or so since the last scan me and hubby have done lots of decision making, list writing and even bought of few bits for baby….

it may sound morbid, and I’m guessing only those who have been through babyloss will get this…. but my thinking has been along the lines of “this baby is going to be born now, they will need certain things regardless of whether they live or die”….. I have reasoned with myself about this so many times, and this is the only thought process stopping the guilt at actually buying stuff some days….

dont get me wrong, on other days (especially the first few days following the last scan) positivity was high, and there was huge excitement involved in choosing gorgeous things for our baby to wear etc, it’s just these dark days waiting for the next one, where sleep is not my friend and there are too many “what ifs” in my head.

monday can’t come quick enough right now….