So I’m only 2 days into being home all day and I’m already bored!!

I know I should be thankful of the break, and be putting my feet up a bit getting ready for baby’s arrival but i just can’t sit still, and I have zero energy for doing much else!

There’s only so much tv I can watch, and only so much crochet I can do before I’m fed up!

Im guessing now I’m much less worried about baby my mind is much less occupied than it has been over the past 7 months, and of course that’s not a bad thing, but it means I need more entertaining, being alone with my thoughts all day isn’t healthy!

so, I’ve decided, I’m going to sort Christmas…. it’s all going to be done and sorted in the next few weeks so once baby is here I don’t have to even think about it…. I’ve even been brave enough to order a few presents for baby…. though I’m sure like everything else they will stay hidden away in their packaging until he/she is safely here, but at least I’ll have bought them.

On a positive note me and hubby went to a breastfeeding information evening at the hospital last night, and although I didn’t personally learn very much – probably because id spent all morning reading a book given to me by a lovely friend – it was still good to be there, see how much support there is in my local area, and hubby came away having learnt loads and feeling even more certain that we have made the right decision for our baby and our family….. I never would have thought all those months ago that I’d be brave enough to go to a group like that, and I’m not going to lie I was nervous…. I always feel like I don’t belong at groups like that…. I can’t stand the awkward questions of how many children I have etc…. especially in a group of mainly first time mums, so before we went on me and hubby decided we’d just not get into that…..

when the leader assumed everyone there were first time parents we didn’t correct her (until the end when we spoke to her in private)…. you see it’s not that I don’t want to talk about my children – quite the opposite – I just don’t want to be that person scaring all the pregnant women with her horror stories – I don’t want to be that woman whose baby died that no one wants to sit next to…. so sometimes it’s just better to sit quietly and not comment…..

anyway, back to the point…. we both came away feeling positive, and happy with our decision, with even more leaflets etc for me to spend hours reading…. maybe I shouldn’t be so bored after all!


Happy news

So this mornings scan was amazing…… not only did we have the loveliest sonographer ever, and got to watch baby sucking its thumb, and see that it already has a head of hair…. most importantly it showed that baby has grown enough, and has moved back up to the 10th centile and so is allowed to stay inside for another few weeks…. woo hoo!!

consultant appointment led to me needing to take iron, and to go for a glucose tolerance test next Monday…… and a decision that they want to deliver at 38 weeks now….

so, only 5 1/2 – 6 weeks to go now… it’s all starting to feel very real, we might actually get to bring this baby home!!!

nesting has reached spectacular heights this past week, ( even hubby had joined in and been on all fours with a scrubbing brush on the bathroom floor 😂) our house should be gleaming, and the freezer is full of healthy meals that I’ve made and frozen for when the time comes…. we’ve even sorted out  some drawers for baby and have bought almost everything we will need for the first couple of weeks…. just need to buy some little newborn vests and sleepsuits and then we can pack a bag…. eeek!! 😬

fingers crossed the next appointment goes as well as this one and the positivity continues…..

Slightly late scan update…

first of all, sorry I didn’t update yesterday, I didn’t realise anyone would be waiting for my blog post but as 3 people have messaged/told me they were waiting for news I thought I’d better do a quick update…. I didn’t have the headspace to sit and write yesterday, but am feeling a bit better after a pretty decent nights sleep.

so yesterday’s scan showed no hydrops…. we finally passed that last big milestone that had been playing on my mind…. 30 weeks and 3 days was the exact day in which my beautiful girl was diagnosed with hydrops – even though in hindsight she’d probably had it for quite some time by then – so seeing our little rainbow fluid free in scan yesterday was amazing, and it felt (briefly) like we were doing good, that the “highest risk period” was over…..

at that point I even could’ve excused the rude sonographer, who hadn’t bothered to look at my notes before we had gone in, so she had to ask me why I was there and why I was having extra scans…. this SERIOUSLY annoys me  more than it should…. but that’s a whole different rant that I don’t quite have the energy for today!

So, after the scan we went back to the waiting room while she did the scan report, after what seems like forever she called us back to explain that baby’s growth had once again dropped and it was now measuring below the 10th centile, so off to the consultant I went….

I saw a lovely midwife then waited for a dr, after seeing the scan report there was a bit of debate between the dr and consultant as to whether to give me steroid injections yesterday in order to prepare for early delivery, but eventually they decided to give baby 2 weeks to “catch up” because the Doppler on the placenta was fine and baby is active…. so the plan is that I’ve got to monitor movements closely for the next 2 weeks and if baby hasn’t moved back to at least the 10th centile by the next scan then they want to give me steroids that day and discuss delivering that week…. 😬

this journey to our happy ever after is worse than any rollercoaster, the highs and lows are absolutely insane. Really need to hope that baby has a growth spurt in the next couple of weeks now and can stay put a few weeks longer….

we always knew this pregnancy was going to be tough, we just hadn’t anticipated it being in a completely different way to the others…. still, I’m lucky, I have my amazing hubby, family and some very supportive friends around me and the Drs are doing all they can to keep this baby safe…..

motherhood was never meant to be easy or simple anyway right?!


Only 3 days until our next scan, and I’d been doing particularly well this week so far….

last night me and hubby sorted through the baby stuff we’ve bought to try and find it all a home…. so I then spent all night in and out of sleep having awful dreams…. some about being sent to a quiet room after our scan to receive bad news, the rest about having to return all the stuff we’ve cautiously bought because we wouldn’t get to bring this baby home after all….

so today I’m very tired, and very grumpy…. we’ve made it to 30 weeks though, I should be celebrating…. we’ve made quite a few baby purchases this past week too…. I should be proud of myself for being brave and trying to be a “normal excited pregnant person” instead I’m exhausted and feeling guilty for tempting fate…

30 weeks is the point they found hydrops in my first pregnancy so I see this scan as the last big milestone to get through, I’m also anxious that baby has grown enough after they were so concerned last time, could really do with Monday hurrying the heck along….

still, I have to keep focusing on the positives…. baby is doing acrobatics as I type, and there’s a maximum of 9 weeks left now until we get to meet them….. eeek!!



Babyloss awareness week

Babyloss awareness week starts tomorrow, ending next Sunday with a global wave of light.

normally at this time of year I’d be spending a lot of time trying to spread the word and doing my bit to raise awareness, this year I feel a bit of a failure to be honest….

today me, hubby, smallest boy and my mum went to our local annual baby memorial service. Being 29 weeks pregnant and terrified of what’s to come obviously didn’t come in very handy there!!

I struggled with myself deciding whether to go to the service today…. I was conscious that my huge bump may be difficult for some people early on in their babyloss journeys to see…. but hubby convinced me that I’d regret it if I didn’t….

Smallest boy made me very proud though, when we arrived he wrote in his neatest handwriting 3 name cards to be read out in the service, one for his big sister, and 1 each for “our two babies that died in your tummy”, he made a point of collecting 3 flowers when they were passed around so that they all had one each, he collected 3 candles to light on Sunday to remember them all, and he took his sharpie collection in his pocket so that he could write them all their own balloons and draw them all their own picture for the balloon release at the end….

a lot of tears were shed this afternoon, probably more than I have in recent years…. I’m blaming hormones for many of them, but one thing remains…. being in that enormous church, FULL of other people who have experienced babyloss, listening to the hundreds of baby names being read out, watching countless other families release their balloons for their precious babies makes me realise just how many people are affected by babyloss, just in my local area.

Our little rainbow kicked the whole way through the service, giving me a shred of hope through the darkness, and being a part of the service today just proved how much it matters to me and makes me more and more determined to carry on going, to keep telling my story and sharing my journey in the hope that it may bring a small amount of comfort or hope to somebody else…

babyloss really is shit….

infertility is shit….

miscarraige is shit….

pregnancy after loss is terrifying…..

but all of these things happen so much more often than you would think and we need to talk about them more, we need people to know they are not alone, we need to break the taboo…. I’m just one little person trying to do my little bit



Mixed feelings…..

It’s been a tough week…. however it was scan day again today….. and in a way I want to jump up and down for joy as there is still no sign of hydrops….which at this stage is absolutely amazing news!!!

The downside is we now have something new to worry about instead though…. we don’t like to do things the easy way….

so here’s what happened…we arrived at the ultrasound department and after a short wait were called in, i was being scanned by a consultant this time, and she was lovely. She was quick to reassure us that there was no sign of hydrops, and she took all the measurements etc, baby wasn’t cooperating very well so we couldn’t get a picture, but we came out of the room feeling ecstatic that everything was going good. My mum had come with us to the scan, and she left at this point to get to work whilst me and hubby went back to the waiting room whilst the consultant wrote the scan report….

after about 5 minutes she came back and called me – we presumed to give me back my notes – to tell me I needed to be rescanned as the measurements were showing something wrong….. so off we went into another scan room while she measured again. This time was much quicker, and the wait afterwards also much quicker, when she came back she explained that baby had dropped down on its growth chart, that 2 week ago it had been measuring in the 15th centile but now it was only on the 10th centile, and the very bottom of the chart….. she explained how important it was that I keep a close  eye on movements etc and sent me round to see my consultant.

my consultant basically said the same thing, that baby’s growth needs monitoring closely and I will need growth scans every 2 weeks …. though we already have scans booked to check for hydrops every 2 weeks anyway….

so basically, we went in worrying that baby and fluid would be measuring too big….. and came out worrying that it’s measuring small!!

So we’re still celebrating that there’s no hydrops – that is SUCH a relief, we now just have to hope the little monkey continues to grow on its little line….. pregnancy isn’t meant to be easy right?!

And breathe!!

Today we are celebrating the small victories…..

we have passed the 26 week scan with no sign of hydrops…. past the point biggest boy was diagnosed (though not quite at the point my darling girl was just yet) and one step closer to bringing home our healthy rainbow baby

scan was perfect, sonographer was lovely, and baby cooperated with out me having to be tipped upside down! Baby has turned over and is now breech and kicking away….

met my new consultant who basically just agreed with the plan we already have in place, booked some more scans and said “see you in 2 weeks”

me and hubby celebrated by going shopping this afternoon and bought a few bits for baby, as well as some really glamourous things like breast pads for my hospital bag 😂 He’s even decided he’s cooking tonight, which is a VERY rare occurrence…..

now we just need to hold onto this positivity for the next 2 weeks until our next scan and keep on hoping this really is our happy ever after