What a difference a year makes

Yesterday marked one whole year since my first miscarraige… 1st July 2016 was the day I had surgery, one of the most traumatic days in my life so far. I’m sure many of you have read that horror story previously on here!

In some ways it doesn’t feel like a year ago, in other ways it could’ve been 10 years…

Anniversaries are always tough, and excuse my language but yesterday was a particularly shit day…. although to be completely fair probably not because of that…. though my low mood probably didn’t help!

On a positive note I ended yesterday at my monthly WI meeting, I haven’t made it for a few months as I’ve been feeling so crap but last night was just what I needed, we watched (and learned) burlesque and laughed A LOT! I can safely say I’ll probably never ever do it again but it was very fun and definitely brightened up a rubbish day!

its difficult to believe what my body has been through this past year, recovering from my first miscarraige was incredibly tough, it then experienced 12 weeks of pregnancy before another miscarraige and more surgery… thankfully much less traumatic and much quicker recovery….

but here we are 1 year down the line and now over 15 weeks pregnant, every part of me is hoping and praying that this time is our time, that I NEVER have to step foot in that awful early pregnancy unit again, (I’m sure all the people that have accompanied me there will agree!) and that we make it until December…. today I’m feeling positive, hopeful that we will get there, but that’s a feeling that changes daily, hourly even….

pregnancy after loss is a massive journey, full of so many highs and lows and it’s bloody exhausting…. but I will survive it  and I will come out the other side smiling…. fingers crossed bringing our beautiful rainbow baby home ❤️


It’s the small things…

This evening I took smallest boy to his swimming lesson…. for the first time in 5 weeks, we got there, he swam and we got home…. all in one piece.

This may seem like the most stupid pointless post ever, however in my world it was a massive achievement… you see I’ve felt so incredibly guilty every Wednesday for weeks that he’s missed his lesson, not only that, but he’s missed that precious one to one time with his mummy whilst we chat for half an hour each way…. but I REALLY haven’t felt well enough to take him, the last time we went I had to sit outside for his whole lesson as I felt so sick and faint, he cried because I hadn’t seen his “epic dive” and I have absolutely no idea how I made it home in one piece!

So, the smallest of things, the tiniest of achievements is pretty big to us right now. I’m hoping this week I’ve turned a corner, the sickness seems to have now passed (until around 5-6pm anyway and I can cope with that!) I’ve managed work perfectly fine this week, and besides having a headache EVERY bloody afternoon forcing me into bed by the time smallest boy is in his pyjamas I’m surviving much better than I have in months.

Surviving…. some might say that’s not the way to describe pregnancy, many say it’s a period to relish, to enjoy….

of course I’m happy to be pregnant, and of course I understand there are so many people out there who would do ANYTHING to be pregnant right now, because of course I have been in their shoes, I have battled infertility, and multiple miscarraiges, I know exactly how it feels….

but I’m also experiencing pregnancy after loss, both after miscarraige and neonatal death…. and believe me pregnancy after baby loss is most definitely all about survival. One day at a time is possibly the only way to survive…. each appointment becoming a milestone that needs to be overcome.

theres 13 days until my next midwife appointment….and I’ll be counting them down with nervous anticipation…. so forgive me for celebrating the small things in life, but right now they really are what matter

Still going strong…

14 weeks now and still going strong!! It feels a bit surreal to be honest, we really never thought we’d get this far!

this past week has brought the news that I’m carrying group b strep… just one more thing to stress about (and wish I hadn’t googled…..I’ll learn one day!!)  and also a conversation with our absolutely lovely genetics doctor in London, who confirmed that the chances of this baby developing hydrops are indeed around 50% as we thought.

Also this week has been a particularly long and stressful phone call trying to bring forward a consultants appointment…. trying to explain to the incredibly useless receptionist that actually 24 weeks REALLY IS too late for my first appointment regardless of what her bloody traffic light system says!! Luckily a lovely midwife sorted it out for me.

In other news this week has brought the need for maternity jeans!! In fact I’m wearing my only pair as I type and i have to say I am SO much comfier than I’ve been in weeks… they are clearly the way forward!!

I’m going back to work on Monday  and really hoping I can last more than 2 days this time, I’m really looking forward to not being stuck in the house all day for a change.

my boys are still both incredibly excited at the thought of being big brothers, and are both being particularly helpful at the moment too…. as I type one is hoovering and the other is dusting. I’m feeling incredibly lucky right now 💙


Another stressful week!

This week has been another eventful one, biggest boy announced my pregnancy to his entire class on Monday – I wasn’t quite ready for that! I went back to work finally, and lasted 2 whole days…. horrendous labour type pains had me up all night on Wednesday, and had us expecting the worst, numerous (completely pointless) phone calls to our (completely awful and incredibly rude) early pregnancy unit, both in the middle of the night and the next morning got us nowhere, so a trip to the GP yesterday it had to be, accompanied by my sister as hubby was at work….

GP was luckily lovely and my sister stamped her feet a bit and complained about the awful people at EPU resulting in the GP ringing them herself and getting them to bring my scan forward from next week to today….

It was a very stressful 24 hours to say the least…. however scan today showed a very happy healthy 13 week pregnancy, though have us no ideas as to where the pain came from…

but 13 weeks!!! We made it…..

we are now officially on to the next hurdle…. just the 50/50 chance of hydrops to contend with now…. BUT we are strong and we have proved we can survive anything thrown at us, and god knows there’s been a lot!!

in some ways I miss the naivety of first pregnancy, I remember all those years ago after my first scan, the excitement and the need to go shopping at every opportunity, sadly my previous experiences have taken that away, pregnancy for me now is all about getting through each week, each appointment, each scan, and I know until at least 30 weeks – when Ellie was diagnosed – (to be fair probably even longer than that) I won’t be able to feel any of that excitement, only fear and nervous anticipation…. but I guess only people who have experienced babyloss will truly understand…. luckily, as I wouldn’t wish the feeling on ANYBODY else

Of course it’s not right to say I’m not excited, this baby means the world to us and of course I am happy, but I also have this inbuilt defence mechanism to shield myself from any unnecessary pain…. I have written before about my loathing of baby showers for this exact reason….

so I won’t apologise for not broadcasting our happy news for the whole world to see, in fact I haven’t published any of the last 3/4 blog posts I’ve written as I wasn’t ready for even the small number of people that follow my page to know our news!

I also won’t apologise for not posting happy pictures of our children holding our scan pictures, or pictures of my expanding belly…. it’s not that I haven’t taken them, of course I have, and I definitely don’t disagree with other people doing the same, in fact quite the opposite, I love seeing other people’s happy family posts they always make me smile…. once upon a time I was the same, but these days these things are precious to us as a family, I’m well aware of the chance that one day these things may be all we have…. so for that reason they will stay between the closest people to us

Sadly my boys understand that there’s a chance this baby might be poorly…. we’ve talked about it a little as I’d much rather be honest with them right from he start, they are SO excited (we have had frequent mothercare trip suggestions over the past couple of weeks since they’ve known!) and their excitement definitely helps me to feel excitement too, I reckon as we get further down the line I’ll have an argument on my hands about buying “cute little baba things” as they call them…. right now we’ve told them they have to wait until at least November and so far they’re happy with that…. but ive a feeling we may have a lot more reasoning to do with them on the subject over the next few months!! On a side note, littlest boy is adamant he’s having a brother called Tim….. reckon that’s gonna take EVEN MORE reasoning with!!

But for now, we made it this far…. there’s definitely no hiding it anymore it’s far too warm to cover up my growing belly….. fingers crossed and prayers for a happy healthy 6 months!!




Could this be it?!

It’s been 4 years almost to the day since me and hubby made the enormous decision to try for another baby….. it had taken probably another year before that to discuss it….

pregnancy was never going to be an easy ride for us, after all by that point I’d already had 3 Caesarians and had lost my darling girl. We knew at that point that there’s a 50% chance of any future babies being affected by the same condition as both of my eldest children…. hence the long and difficult decision making….

however after much discussion and soul searching we decided to go for it, we decided we were strong enough to go through it…..

we had absolutely no idea what would happen over the next 4 years.

we were fully prepared for a high risk pregnancy, with lots of consultant involvement and lots of stress and worry from 20 weeks while we hoped and prayed at every scan that there was no sign of hudrops….

what we weren’t prepared for was 3 years of unexplained infertility, being told our only option was ivf, and then immediately conceiving, the highs and lows were off the scale…. we definitely weren’t prepared for the 2 missed miscarraiges and 2 lots of surgery my body would have to endure within 5 months….. none of that was part of our grand plan to extend our family…

however going through all that really has made us stronger, and much closer, of course it’s been tough, there have been many many low points, and after all we went through I honestly thought we should give up, that there was no way we were ever going to get the baby we had wanted for such a long time. I began to move forward, got a new job, and began to look to the future with the beautiful little family we already have.

fast forward 6 months from that point and here I am. Having just dropped my boys off at school both very excited to tell all their friends that they’re going to be big brothers…. yes that’s right, here I am, 12 weeks pregnant with what can only be described as our little miracle. It hasn’t been an easy couple of months, and we’re definitely not out of the woods just yet, but 3 happy, healthy scans down the line we couldn’t keep it from the kids for any longer….. and to say they’re excited is an understatement!!

id decided there wasn’t going to be any big announcement, I’m still not quite confident that things will actually be ok, but as the boys will probably have told their entire school by now I can’t really hide it any more!

We have another scan next week, hopefully that’ll be as good as the last 3…. then we just have the 50/50 Hydrops chance to contend with….

pregnancy was never going to be easy for us, and it certainly isn’t all excitement and baby catalogues in my head…. but we just have to hope and pray that this really is our time……

A glimmer of hope

At 6.40am this morning me and hubby left home for hospital, terrified was an understatement!!

4 times we’ve sat in the early pregnancy unit this past year, and 4 times I’ve left in tears. That little room has been the scene for much bad news.

i have to say that by the time we went in at 7.15am I had pretty much given up all hope…. however, within seconds of lying on the bed the lovely nurse said “I can see a heartbeat, you can relax now”

a perfect little baby, with a perfectly beating heart, 8 weeks along and due on Christmas Day…

we still have SUCH a long way to go, we’ve got to this point before of course, but we have that glimmer of hope to hold onto now, we have 3 long weeks until our next scan, on my nans birthday in fact, so we just have to keep our fingers crossed and hope that this is our third time lucky, our happy ever after, surely even we deserve a happy ending by now….





Realised the other day that I have been pregnant for 28 of the past 52 weeks….. in the past year I have been pregnant more often than I haven’t….

yes thats right, you may think I’ve completely lost the plot, in fact some days I think that too, but here I am, almost 8 weeks pregnant and desperately hoping that third time lucky is actually a “thing”.

My body has been through so much this year, and our emotions too…. but here we are, perhaps slightly more insane, but still here, still strong, still smiling (most days!) and still carrying on trying to make our family complete.

We found out on Easter Sunday and have an estimated due date of Christmas Day…. hubby has taken that as some kind of sign and has decided to take up praying….. I have to say im sceptical but still, I’m willing to try anything to get our happy ending…

life has been pretty cruel to us lately so I’m desperately hoping this time it’ll be good news…

Sickness has really taken a hold on me this time, to the point that my dr has signed me off work sick…. and although I feel a bit of a fraud I have to say the rest is doing me some good, thought right now I’m just wishing away the days and hours until our first scan next week….

don’t have the energy to write much more, hopefully next week I’ll be back with some happy news… fingers crossed